Tonight I want to quit.
Everything in me is tired. For one year, I have moved my body around this planet, feeling my way through new environments, smiling, crying, and hand signaling my way through unfamiliar languages and countries. I left New York city for this. I wanted to get lost, submerge myself completely into a world where no one knows my name or my stories.
But tonight I give up. I want to go home and be held by the people who love me most. I want to quit this wandering, nomadic life and find a place and the people who are willing to hold me. I want to hold them back. I want to hold them and never let go.
I want to quit. Stay in bed all morning. Drink coffee with legs beneath these sheets. Cry until I fall asleep again.
I want to quit these stories of “should do” and “what if” and instead just be okay with being. I want to curl up around this pillow and hold it like I want to hold the person I am waiting to love. I want that person to be me.
I want to quit men and dating and sex. I want to forget about my education and work experience and resumes and cover letters. I want to quit feeling that I have a potential to live up to. Maybe I could work in a coffee shop and quit thinking that I always need to be challenging my brain.
I want to sleep forever and wake only if someone is there, waiting to take care of me. I want to be taken care of.
I want to quit being a strong, powerful, inspirational woman. I don’t want to be an example. To be an example requires getting out of bed, requires that I take steps in the directions of my dreams.
I want to quit my dreams. I am tired. Dream following is not for the lazy or unmotivated. I wonder what it would be like to quit and be one of those people who gave up long ago. Perhaps they continue dreaming, but the chase is over. They have settled and accepted and no longer is the prize hanging in front of their face causing them to run, to continue moving forward.
I want to quit walking, one foot in front of the other. I want to sit here and wallow and continue to wonder what the hell I am doing with my life.
But I don’t.
How can I consider quitting when the most valuable lesson I have learned about life is that IT GOES ON? And it goes on much more smoothly if I move with it, sometimes gracefully, sometimes stumbling, but I must move. Some days I make small steps towards my dreaming and other days I just get out of bed with the goals of eating, breathing, and hopefully feeling some sunshine on my skin.
So tonight I will not quit. Maybe I will consider it. Maybe I will cry and make decisions that are not good for me or for the people I love. Maybe I will forget to put myself first, over and over again. But I will not give up. Quitting means compromising and this year I have proven to myself many times over, that my courage is ever-expanding, ever-evolving and sometimes it appears at times and in ways I could never anticipate.
If my courage was a person and my desire to quit was a person, courage would sit tall, look at my quitting person straight in the eye and say,
“I love you. You can do this. Haven’t you learned? Bigger and more beautiful things are always in store. Be patient. Be calm. Take a deep breath.”
“You can always begin again in the morning.”